long times

wow. this still exists?! running since 2006?! huh. weird. should i start again?

dear god, never let me turn into this

Conversation with my mother just now:

Me: Hi, sorry I missed your call yesterday, how was…

Interrupted directly by her: ……………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………..
……………………………………
…………………… (amazing, she still hasn’t taken a breath yet)
………………………………………………….
……………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………..
……………………………………
……………………
……………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………..
……………………………………
……………………
(and some more interesting news about the email and internet connection and the joys of using skype)
……………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………..
……………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………..
……………………………………
……………………
Me: okay I really have to get back to work now (20 mins of bleeding ears later)
To which she replies: its so nice to hear you so happy. You can just hear it in your voice.
Me: (?! after the 2 words I spoke!?) bye


well that featured as enough validation for the use of contraceptive right there. the pure blind fear of ever turning into her will effectively prevent me from ever actively wanting children. ever.

foreign concepts

i totally forgot you even existed.
my bad. but really, who are you anymore?

i want

How rad are these- all 6000 of them. Special feature by lighting designer at the eden project.

all about balance

Comic genius John Cleese sat down for an interview a few years ago and had a lot to say about creativity and the creative process. I keep coming back to this passage, where he discusses the importance of whim...

I knew a wonderful teacher once—a tutor. He tutored my stepsons and my elder daughter. He said to me, "Always start where the energy is."
People make an awful mistake by starting where the energy isn't. If you're feeling very world-weary—and sometimes we're all in that boat—you have to sit down with something that's going to engage you. That doesn't mean you just switch on the TV and watch a cartoon, but it does mean asking, What would be fun? Maybe take a piece of paper and a pencil and start drawing silly things. Go for a walk. Just sit very quietly watching your breathing. Anything. Just allow the whim to get you going.
Now, you can't do this all of the time; it's too disconnected. But I think in that particular frame of mind, when you run out of energy and motivation, I think you have to go right down to the instinct, right down to a whim.
I'm coming up on 60, and I'm wondering where my life will begin to go. I need to take a slightly different direction. I talked to a very wise man, and he said, "If you're trying to find a new direction, don't plan it, because this [pointing to his head] has been planning your life up to now. You can't plan something new with the same old apparatus." He said, "Leave a gap. Leave a space, and just do things on auto for a while. Just see where these whims take you."
It's like creativity. You have to follow it without knowing where you're going. If you try to control where you're going, you're back in the same process. It's like asking a piece of machinery that's broken to mend itself.

funny i read this today- its exactly what i did last night. had a major detox vibe at yoga which released stress and toxin build up, then came home to no electricity. so ate lovely simple dinner in the dark and then proceeded to paint by candlelight all evening. it was exactly what i needed to calm the head and sort of touch base again. it is a really good thing to do on occassion, and its been long belated and overdue. however despite it all, and a sleeping tablet induced slumber, im still out of sorts, buggered and with a raging headache today. sigh. stupid body must suck it up and learn to roll with the punches. unfortunately it does seem to be rebelling- i fear what he says about the broken machinery fixing itself may just be correct. sigh, apparently not as young and ready to bounce back as i used to be.

let them eat cake

"all i really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt"
chales schulz.

think im taking this quote to the extremem these days. all i be doing is living this ridiculously hedonistic epicurious lifestyle, full of booze, lounging and cake. im going to turn into an american 12 year old soon- bloated obesity bubble kid. its fun, but not so healthy or conducive to good waist line. and really good timing in line for summer. ha. self control and will power seems to be lacking rather sorely.

me thinks the running shoes are going to have to feature far more regularly!

Hidden Ocean

She held her grief behind her eyes like an ocean and when she leaned forward into the day it spilled onto the floor and she wiped at it quickly with her foot and pretended no one had seen. - story people

i probably empathise and concurr with this too much, or is that too often? if you keep up the pretense then you can even fool yourself. despite things going well of late, i still get this . holding the ocean at bay.

Having a Coke with You

by Frank O'Hara

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne

or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona

partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian

partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt

partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches

partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary

it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still

as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it

in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth

between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint

you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look

at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world

except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick

which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time

and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism

just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or

at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me

and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them

when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank

or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully

as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvellous experience

which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I’m telling you about it