life.

it seems that this alien thing called life is getting the better of me. i cant seem to manage it all at the same time, and to be honest, what is so pathetic is that there isn't that much all to manage. just it seems that lately my brain is operating on a completely different wave length to everyone else, and especially to me. not sure what wiring or circuitry got fiddled with, or there may be some faulty connections somewhere, but things aren't computing in ways i expect them to, and i certainly aren't responding in manners and ways i have grown used to. im sounding critic without meaning to, but i think the main problem with this entire ridiculous situation i sometimes refer to as my life, is that i don't know anymore. anything, anymore. like im floating past, not attracted or halted by anything. its a strange situation to be in. and i cant seem able to get out of it. im sounding ridiculous. just permanently tired these days.

current update; so much for all the hype and excitement of a few posts ago, when i couldn't mention something due to jinxing it. well i think somehow we jinxed it none the less as the whole plan has fallen through. god im being critic again; friends were moving out of their incredibly beautiful, large and cheap apartment and were in need of two people to fill their rooms; perfect for friend and i desperate for flat to move in. within the next month. it was too exciting. however it all fell through as their future flat worked out to be far too expensive for their allowances, and so they're staying put. its nothing terrible, and there are so many other flats and moving options; it just seemed so destined to work out, so perfectly arranged without any of us doing anything, all that and its the most beautiful flat I've seen. sigh. not only were we going to move in to said amazing flat, but i was going to quit my shit job, and work at a no-brainer job for cash, and spend full time working on my thesis again. so things were looking up; it was exciting times ahead. and now that its fallen through, its not like this was the only way i could do it, and now there is no hope etc, morbid thoughts and all, just that it was a good plan. a perfect plan, one that perfectly arranged itself in about 30 minutes while over really good cocktails. perhaps it was doomed to fail?! so now said friend and i are still on the lookout, i just have to stop comparing everything i see to the most beautiful flat in the world, and we'll find something i hope. then there's the job issue still, but hell, that's a whole other story that would bore you to tears (it does for me regularly), but yes the days are numbered, and the thesis is waiting; right now im actually getting so excited to be a full time thesis student again, crazy as i thought i would never want it again.

so many options and paths, how do you ever know which is the right one to follow? people say follow your heart, go with what you feel, but what if yours doesn't function well and is empty? tricky, very tricky.