difficulties

ive been applying for jobs forever it seems now. most of them are totally over my experience levels and so on, but for practise ive been applying none the less. i even have read up on cv tips, and how to write a successful cover or motivation letter, something ive never had to do before, and thus suck at it. its a tiring process, and completely disheartening as it seems you just send this stuff out into the ether, with no cord attached to know if someone sees it, likes it or even bothers to read it.
in the meantime though- massively happy news: my proposal is signed, sealed, completed and in the process of board approval. woohoo! finally one major step of the never ending thesis story is completed. now i just have to write the fucker and it'll all be over! ha. i was so excited to have finished all my research readings, until my supervisor dumped a ton more on me yesterday. sniff. bastard. its good for me, and ultimately for my work, but hell. again.

too scary

a friend has recently been diagnosed with malaria, after holidaying in mozambique. he's been in hospital for 6 days now, but they only noticed the disease on his 5th blood test, so was only admitted into hospital after about 4 days of symptoms and pain already. he says its the most awful thing he's ever been through, and thats rather a lot; that it hands down beats the experience of 10 days of dysentry in a foreign country with no money, must mean its pretty horrid. god its scary stuff, with potential relapses and serious consequences; damn wikipedia gave me the full run down. so big get wells to him, especially since hospital food sucks so badly, as does being woke up at crack of dawn for baths, never mind the terrifyingly real danger of a serious disease. shit i hope its over soon.

perhaps i should think before hand

i wrote a lengthy angry letter to my supervisor yesterday and still havent recieved a response; its starting to worry me. i had emailed through my fully edited and perfect proposal last week for comments and to hand the thing in finally (something he should be pushing me to do), only to get feedback from him a week later, when he mentions another 6 million other issues that he thinks perhaps i could refer to. the proposal should be a brief introduction to your study topic, an overview of the theory, and the issues you will cover, with some insight as to how you intend to do this; not an in detailed examination and explanation of every bloody issue that may or may not surface. its killing me. my proposal has taken 4 months now to be edited and checked, because he keeps doing this; "perhaps i could suggest...". yes this is meant to be his role, but firstly not to such an anal ridiculous degree, and its only at proposal stage, christ i dont want to see the man and his reactions when i start sending him chapters soon. so i got incredibly angry and teary yesterday as this stupid beast is killing me (the thesis not him, shame).

enough venting. small stupid problems in my never changing world become massive and threaten to take over some times. cant see wood for trees as its all that occupying my head. perspective making (a little cheese but made me smile);
"but why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad youre alive to see?"

enough to make you ponder

"hey did you hear that xxx went crazy? it's true... he's on the road to recovery though. xxxx is also crazy, i think there's a bug going around"

the strangest line from an email ive ever received. perhaps i had too much morning coffee before reading this, or is it a problem of simply not enough? now i definitely have to find out those details. im sure the world makes less sense the older i get, or are mornings like these becoming common, due to the problem of sleeping through your alarm and having strange dreams as a consequence? left out of the loop of normality too this morning it appears; god what if it is a bug?!

bleary

have thrown self head first back into working and researching for the never ending story that is thesis; still dont think body quite knows what to do with itself. all this information and dedication is going to short circuit something i tell you. it feels good to be productive again. pity i cant seem to wake up well. dont think my alarm knows what to do with itself either; its not programmed for 6 million snooze hits a morning. sure there's a record in there somewhere.

refreshed and ready

its been an insanely wonderful last few days- doing absolutely nothing but surrounded by good food, plenty booze, great friends and even more mosquitos. its amazing what a few days away can do for your head and heart. relaxing down at a friends beach cottage, coming home to housesit parents place and hardly leave the pool area, were just what was necessary before actually throwing myself fully into this year, and all that is expected of me; pulling finger and getting stuck into work and all those essential things. for the first time in a long while, im starting this year feeling ready for it and the crazy busy things it will hopefully throw at me and visa versa. im excited about the possibilities and opportunities, not terrified of whats out there, or unprepared to leap in. its a rad feeling. so with (tired but happy) grins on my face, i started working on thesis today, with full serious determination to finish this bitch and move on with the rest of life. looking upwards and outwards.

back to grind stone

so its back to work today- well me and my lame joke, im a student writing my dissertation work, but am back at it full throttle from today. i was proud that i dabbled a little in it last week (too soon after new year though) but from now on its full force til the end- which isnt as in sight as it bloody well should be. i tired of this thing, and yet, still have so far to go. sigh. i still wish i could wake up one morning, settle down to write it, and little elves have come in the night time and finished it off for me. wouldnt that be nice? whats kak is:
* i still have so much to do
* the department are draggin their heels over my proposal, and still havent cleared it so that i can move on properly and dive into the actual writing
* i dont want to do this anymore
* still havent heard anything back from anyone about jobs. sniff. looks like no one wants to hire me- either that or all the jobs i want are in pretoria, and i absolutely refuse to move there. i would die. crawl into small ball and die. that where hope and dreams go to die. i wish someone would love me and my long endless studying career enough to hire me. sniff.

its feel sorry for myself day, and oh god, its only monday. hell im allowed to indulge myself every now and again, especially on my own crappy blog. woohoo. hope everyone's first day back is good and fun.