bleh

ohmyohmyohmyohmyohmyohmyohmyohmyohmyohmyohmy god
so the head of the NPA was suddenly suspended on strange and mysterious grounds that were only slightly explained. jaw dropping moment came this morning when listening to the news that the chief of police, oh jackie baby (who just happens to be head of interpol) has a warrant out for his arrest, which was instigated by the said suspended head. something stinks there. sjoe our country is getting in the poo just a little bit further each time the president acts these days. big oops.

on a lighter side; its almost weekend time, i have a bottle of good wine in my car waiting for later, and its a friends 30th this evening, carnival style. i have no clue what to wear, but will wing it later (hopefully will be drunk enough not to care either way). one major glitch in the plan is that the stupid fucking car dealership has taken so long to sort out my license plates for panda that now the paper ones have expired- making me unable to drive the thing as its now illegal and not covered by insurance. rad. real nice. so i get new car, get all excited, and now it sits in the fucking drive way. god i could murder stupid arsehole useless car salesman. it would have taken me a day at the licensing place to get it sorted out. not three goddamn weeks. i'm a little bitter. but its a sunny day, so hopefully i'll forget about it all later (except for the small fact that i cant fucking go any where)

longing for away time

i want another holiday already. goddamn. i don't like this work business; far prefer sitting on my arse drinking beer all day. laughing with mates. somehow, i'm not sure why, but its more fun than editing endless interviews and trying to finish the demon known as thesis. bugger. need to devise a plan that allows me to do that all day; maybe marrying rich and boring aint that bad? oh god, listen to me!? think the marbles are officially gone.

big sjoe.

its been a long and crazy weekend. i think i haven't giggled, fallen over, or drank that much in a long, long time, and my god it was worth all the pain i feel this morning. the bride was too beautiful, the reunion of oldest friends fantastic, and the ever presence beer always cold. my head is still sore, and my liver keeps giving me twinges of pain to prove its still there. never mind the various bruises and scrapes that keep cropping up all over my body (that damn dance floor was not the best landing spot). am too tired to think straight yet, and there is tons of work waiting for me to finish and get through in the next four days, but hell it was rad. the photographic evidence will follow soon.

good intentions

i seem to have good intentions these days, but absolutely shocking execution or follow through. I'm amazing during the day lately, thank god. good concentration, focus, dedicated to work, eat well, and have even pretty much cut out coffee (only two cups this week thus far- that's a massive change), am exercising regularly etc etc. you get the point. every week starts with detox plans and special diet regimes to help my poor ailing body, but by Monday evening, I'm on the couch with red wine again.
its that magical witching hour past 5 pm, on return from work, where things seem to go hairy and fuzzy. that's when i go out with the good intentions, such as last night was meant to be an 'early evening'. 'just a quiet quick one' and then return to work again. hahahaha. not that it was insane or ridiculously over the top by any means, but was a little more than it should have been, fuzzier headed than i planned, and i came home and climbed straight into bed. and by sheer skill managed to over sleep this morning. bugger. I'm not sure when I'm ever going to be able to learn follow through, or perhaps, better yet if i want to, as that would just make my life far too normal, steady, and dull surely? doesn't everyone need a flaw or a problem point (like one such rubber arm and boozey addiction) to make life a little on the strange side? perhaps I'm just talking kak to defend my bi-polar lifestyle. hell, i don't know why i bother, think I'm just going to enjoy the insanity. as long as the booze doesn't rule your life, its okay right?! cheers!
shame, my poor little darling liver is going to take such a knock this weekend. i cringe for it.

long weekends and play times

"I'm not sure if i could tell the difference- between just staring into space and thinking. We're usually thinking all the time, aren't we? Not that we live in order to think, but the opposite isn't true either- that we think in order to live. I believe contrary to Descartes, that we sometimes think in order not to be. Staring into space might unintentionally actually have the opposite effect. At any rate, its a difficult question." -murakami.

so now the final plan has come into being, and we are all off Friday morning to drink ourselves into oblivion, catch up with old long lost friends, and generally have a brilliant time marrying off a great couple, and catching up for the last oh, eight years. old indecisive one, who has caused so many headaches and frustrations, has finally decided to pull finger and come for the weekend (yes, that's a great decision to finally make THREE days before we're going and fucking up everyone's plans in the process) but it looks like its going to be a good time. pity i have so much work to get through before and after this break, and it will be plaguing me; i cant really afford to take so much time off, but i don't really have the choice, nor should i really care or think about it too much. my brain begins to hurt when i do, and i really just want a good break away; thinking of leaving said brain behind in durbs, so can really relax. brilliant, isn't that what the booze is for? i hope its a good time.

longing for dream time

strange times when you cant get to sleep ever. its like this permanent noise in my brain is back. it hasn't been there in a while, but at least this time, its not destructive or nasty, just wont turn off or on mute enough for me to get some snooze time. and there were strange noises about last night, and the return of the fucking mozzies, so all in all, a lack of restful sleep evening. despite me trying real hard. and no, counting sheep or doing calming breathing exercise just don't cut it enough to make you pass out at 4 am. bugger. at least I'm still chipper and productive today, but I'm not sure how long i can take not having a full proper nights rest for. telling you, its all about the medicated pass out love affair, i call prescription sleeping tablets. bring on the sweet love. think its time the doctor got a visit. ha. when i do finally sleep, my dreams are bizarre, and full, and often rather tense, with some strange task i have to perform (think my brain is telling me something?!) and i wake up often drain, sweaty and more exhausted than before. cant heads come with off switches?

rants

goddamn, people are annoying. the wedding, that has been organised and booked and settled for about two months now, is happening this weekend. and yet, despite this said well in advanced organisation, people have chosen the last four days before hand to pull out and fuck around with plans. so now our accommodation plans are altering by the minute, and growing in costs, due to the delightful stupidity of some select few. well not stupidity, but a hint of selfishness; surely, when you know about the plan months ahead, you budget for it? you don't suddenly say sorry, its simply too expensive for you, thereby forcing all the rest of us plebs to incur mounting prices?! the cottage we are staying in had to be booked for the whole weekend, so we all decided to split the cost, no matter when you where staying over, so as to afford it. but hell, now we paying for the whole thing, just because we are staying there, not out of choice.
piss off. and thanks for making me pay more. fuck it.
some days you end up hating people.

grey skies, grey head.

"A black-bordered envelope arrives from Germany, the printed announcement of a dear acquaintance's death, which I learned about by telephone a week earlier. I would find it easier to open my mail if all the major messages were colour-coded. Black for death. (Christoph died at forty-nine of his second heart attack.) Red for love, Blue for longing. Yellow for rage. And an envelope with a border the colour once known as ashes of roses- could that announce kindness? For I'm prone to forget this kind of letter exists, too: the expression of sheer kindness.
Hello, hello, how are you, how are you, I'm well, I'm well, how are, how is...
And you, my dear?"
susan sontag- the letter scene.

I'm feeling nostalgic today for some reason, wistful really. its a grey day, so maybe reason for grey mood. its not a bad thing, but rather strange and melancholic. i think perhaps its just tiredness; raging on a dance floor to strange rock groups with bad sound last night is not conducive to feeling peaceful and rested the next day, although it did make for fun at the time.

getting there. one step at a time.

do kisses sent from china get tired on their journey? i hope not.
I've been reading far too many short stories these days. my head is getting used to setting things into small bit sized chunks of beauty. its not a bad thing at all, rather makes you look at the world in a new way. rather nice. and quite beautiful. things are balancing out which is always a good thing. just need to learn the art of time management better, and all will be a-okay. i think the art is to take one day at a time; the bad ones can always be replaced by a good one tomorrow. its reassuring.

big sigh.

its disheartening and depressing to hear that 3 of my friends have finished their theses, and their masters is finally over, and they started after me. oh god. I'm going to wallow in my pathetic-ness now, binge on chocolate and feel sorry for myself. healthy ain't it. yup, clever meg, that's going to get your masters done!? one day, one day, this nightmare i call my studies will be over. on the up side, had a nice break house sitting for a friend over the last few days. i like it, it allows me to escape for awhile. otherwise have the joys of an insane and potentially bizarre hen's party to look forward to this weekend. oh yay. dressing my friend up to look like a tosser just cause she's getting married- its ridiculous and i thought outdated, but hell who am i to question. just go with the flow im told.

good lord. not again.

I'm amazed that shit like this still exists, and is actively being sent around. are people that stupid, small minded and have their heads stuck in their own arses? this is what i received in my inbox first thing this morning. god help my race. also no wonder their country is going to shit- haven't the last 500 years been white pride day? i don't recall ever having been called honkey when walking down the road; if it happened, i think i would piss myself laughing. christ, have a sense of irony or humour please, it would make the world a better place. what bothers me is not that someone was stupid enough to write this slock, they deserve whatever they get for being just so puerile and thick, but that someone i know actually bothered to forward this to her friends, including me. jesus. strike them off my list, that's for damn sure.

Proud To Be White: Someone finally said it
How many are actually paying attention to this?
There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc....And then there are just - Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman,"... And that's OK. But when I call you Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink... You call me a racist. You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You Have Yom Hashoah. You have the NAACP. And you have BET. If we had WET (White Entertainment Television)... We'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day ... You would call us racists. If we had White History Month... We'd be racists. If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives... We'd be racists. We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that? If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly-proclaimed Black-only Colleges in the US yet if there were "White-only Colleges"... THAT would be a racist college. In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights... You would call us racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange,and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride... You call us racists. You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer who is running from the LAW and posing a threat to ALL of society... You call him a racist.
I am proud.... But, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?

my horoscope for today:
think of all the other things you could be doing, and all the other places you could be. think about the other choices you might have made and the options that these, in turn, might have given rise to. then, when you have really given yourself a king-sized headache, stop thinking such thoughts. you are doing what you are doing for a reason. the "what-ifs" are all irrelevant. but, if you continue to pay attention to them, they will sap vital energy and prevent you from making the most of "what is". your new week ahead prediction will help you sort out a problem and feel far better.

for once it actually made sense, and is slightly good and applicable. interesting. I'm off to buy a bicycle now. been wanting one for a while now, and think its high time i did something about it. arb, i know, but fun and silly.

distances

I'm suddenly longing to see long lost friends and distant lands. i miss them all. just want to have some time to hug and play and be silly and all those things that have been long outstanding with certain specials. think its time to wrap up things here, start my savings account, and have a holiday. sounds good me thinks. either that or threaten them enough so they all move home. hah (evil laugh)

post wish

sometimes, quite often in fact, i want dreams to come true, simply because they are too beautiful and full of lovelinesses, and are so far away fom reality and stupid everyday practicalities. it even happens with other people's dreams. especially if they sound like this:
"We were having some kind of friends group reunion in a strange place in a strange city and you were coming up the stairs at the club and I was going down and you looked beautiful and my heart skipped a beat..."
now i have to dream it too for it to become real. yay. sounds too great.

she's arrived

its officially panda time. and hell she's cute. its celebrations for her later, which should be fun- thinking of sprinkling some champers on the bonnet, just so she knows what a good time she has in store for her. yay. its fun having new gadgets; mod cons rock. i cant tell you how rad it is having tunes in a car finally. woop woop. i hope she lasts well. i'll post a photo of her later, just havent had time yet.

and again

it seems that panda arrives today. its been so long since the initial excitement, it doesn't actually feel like anything really. maybe when i see her it will be fun. otherwise i actually just want to go back to sleep- it seems all i want to do these days. pity is that when i do actually get to bed, i don't sleep well at all- damn this waking up in the middle of the night thing. work and life and everything else etc, is slow, numbed and dulled because of this persistent tiredness. perhaps I'm getting old? cant handle the pace as much i used to? think i just need to get some exercise, and take some vitamins, and do all that healthy stuff, but its certainly the last thing that i ever feel like doing. drinking beer on a couch, and then going to bed, is so much more fun and enjoyable i tells you. pity its not what my body needs at the moment. hopefully this week will be better. I'm going to try to bend some sensible hours, nutrition and detox into my system, and see if it makes it all better. I'm hoping so. seems like this is becoming a habit though- every Monday i talk about starting a good week, turning over new leaves, detox, clean the system, project summer plan starting, and then i have a beer and a late night. it seems always to be post-weekend regret or blues perhaps than forces me into wanting to change my week. damn it all. we cant all be perfect- I'm just making up the useless/ bad quota for someone else. oh well.