the tiredness. it never stops.

it seems that whenever im in the tiredness, most stressed out periods of my life, is also when im partying and going crazy way too much. i know they are related to one another, but im just failing to see the connection here. ha. this week has been mental and such ridiculous extremes; at one moment, im sitting in a five hour long meeting, bored out of my skull and with the most extreme cold ive had in ages, and the next im downing tecquilas and dancing til my feet hurt. im amazed that i am still standing after all of this. jesus. and unfortunately no matter how i try to pretend, and how much i try to run away, the work is always there, quietly getting bugger and more desperate as time passes. why cant it disappear when i no longer think about it, or prioritise it? the world would be a happier and healthier place i can tell you.
hitting the hay now, so tired can barely see the screen anymore, and have early morning meeting with the boss to discuss all that ive meant to be doing thus far..man, oh man am i in the pooooo. cant i just tell him to leave me alone? im sure it will go down well; all except the minor problem of the detail in my contract that says that they can fire me with only 24 hours notice. ha. i think i need some life changes.

apologies

im sorry dearest internet that i have been neglecting you, and mismanaging my time so badly that i no longer am able to play for hours and explore your treats and entertainments. its a sad state of affairs i can tell you; the inability to do anything else but work. jesus its sucking hard, but unfortunately for my rock star lifestyle and my fans, i am on my way to embracing my nerdhood. im becoming completely at peace with the fact that i do little else these days but work and research information for thesis. its fun times, for anyone with too much free time on their hands and the desire to join me and assist in this awesome process. well there have been the odd fun time experiences; such as the sliiiightly pissed friday events, and the ridiculousness that was the amazing race followed by burn. all of which took place this weekend, but hell, those are stories for another time, in a life when im not a nerd, but a total social butterfly; something that doesnt fit into the mood i am in today. i just am dorry that i have neglected my life partner, you dearest internet, for so long; my life is seeming empty and barren without you and for that i am sorry. this is no reflection of my dearest, most heartfelt love for you; despite you being a hot and cold running bitch who scares the living daylights out of me most days.
all this and i have a cold| and a major presentation to do tomorrow|| god help me

when is it going to be enough?

i havent read the newspaper in a few days, just simply not having time to sit down and read the stories, and to be honest, sometimes i hate doing so and resist it because its all depressing, awful and ruins my day. its stories like this that do it: 2 people, actor Brett Goldin (from Crazy Monkey) and fashion designer friend, Richard Bloom, were murdered for what seems like their car and their credit cards over the weekend in cape town. the suspects who alledgedly did range in age from 20 to 25 years old. what the fuck? two friends leave a party before midnight, and turn up a day later, naked and with a bullet in their heads dumped on the side of the road; and all of this for a credit card?! jesus when is this going to end? i have a deep love, respect and admiration for this country, im proud to have been born and raised here, until i hear stories like that. you dont do something as gruesome, murderous and sick as that because you are poor and destitute. what makes you tick if you can do that at 20 yrs old and justify it, because you now have some guys credit card? its not even that i want to see the guys pay for what they did, that they must be prosecuted, but rather my point is how the fuck can this happen in the first place? what kind of society have we created that events like this occur?
this is in a new league; this is lawlessness, and there seems to be very little done to stop it, prevent it, or fight against it. im amazed that we, as south african, are so quiet about this; it happens all the time, yes, but when are we actually going to scream out loudly that this cannot happen anymore, that it has to stop? no, instead, the country goes to the polls and vote the same broken and failing party back into power, if they bothered to vote in the first place. im amazed that people arent in the streets, causing massive civil unrest and noise demanding that the system improves, demanding that this changes before we decend into complete choas and anarchy. christ im sick of this. its awful. im sick of hearing horror stories as part of our everyday lives. and i had to vent. condolensences to the families and friends. i dont know what i would do.

a tall tale

so it recently occured to me to ask what is flickr really good for/at? showcasing new and amazing photographic talent? an arena where amateurs and pros alike can group, organise and display their memories and images? or a cheap and easy way to view lame, semi porn?!

i found this story incredibly funny: one of the photos i posted was a rather cheesy self portrait of me, looking incredibly sad and woeful just after i had undergone a hair cutting session. i found it funny, hence why i put it in my collection, becuase of my pathetically hang dog look, despite not feeling like that at all at the time. maybe i was trying to look regal again, or slightly more mature than i ever feel; im not sure but the expression was there and i laughed. i hoped it would bring others amusement, those who know me, as i really look silly and felt it. last night i was organising my pictures on flickr, going through the tags to ensure that they made some sense (much of what i do, never does) and so on, and saw, to my absolute delight and serious amusement, that that hang-dog-hair-cut picture had the most views out of any of my photos in the gallery. not the ones i thought were cool, or had some good effects, that i had worked on etc. no, no, rather the one i look naked in. awesome.

so moral of the story| who fucking cares how good your pics are on flickr|| if you want hits||| get naked.

hide your bad habits underneath the patio

so i have finally got my flickr account up and active; i created the thing a couple of months ago, and then promptly forgot about it, and moved on to better and greater things apparently, and so it sat, lonely and ashamed of itself without any photos or imaging to show off. ha, all this until yesterday. i love how i operate; whenever im really busy and stressed out about work stuff, instead of creating deadlines for myself, and just sitting down, concentrating for all im worth and getting the stuff done, i sit and play on the internet for hours. right now is a good example; i have a meeting with my boss later where i am supposed to show him what strategies and information i have generated for my project, of which i have very little, but im much happier writing on my blog and playing with pretty websites than focusing on development strategies. i think im in the wrong profession, perhaps i should have gone into something that is more suited to my bad habits, as i may actually get some work done then. so hence my excitement about my flickr, as it means hours can be wasted in great fun of editing and playing with photos and then organizing them into systems and folders. this i did for too long yesterday, and i fear my boss wont appreciate the fun i had, instead he may, perhaps be a little pissed that i haven't finished (in fact barely started) the work due in today. do you think i can fake stomach flu? perhaps i had it over the long weekend, or last week, and its impacted and affected my performance ever since? i know im a good liar, a little too good sometimes, but i somehow don't think i'll get away with it this time. i read somewhere, if you're going to lie, then lie big, as the bigger and grander, the less people will think you've bothered to make up the whole story and concocted the whole steaming mess. hence things like car accidents in a friends car is a good one; a) if they see your car and its gleamingly perfect they'll understand (as someone else's car was the wrecked) and b) you can say you have to go to hospital for said friend who broke arm/ nose/ ribs etc, while you, very luckily only sustained some whiplash and shock, hence you are unharmed looking. also phone from your cellphone, so they think you're out and about sorting this whole mess out. i tell you, its a good one. now how to use it today to get out of 2 meetings, and an embarrassing announcement that no, i haven't finished the work due to hours playing on the internet... hmmm, tricky. (by the way this could only happen if you are lucky and don't work in the office, if you do, its more complicated and you may have to go to greater lengths to explain it all, but perseverance always pays off in the end)
fuckit ive wasted enough time, back to work. to attempt to actually hand some stuff in. side note: its annoying but the "o" key on my computer is failing these days and giving up on me- it makes typing a difficulty, especially when i keep typing 'sme' and 'gsh' etc withut realizing the prblems.

pretty

had to share this. just such a great and beautiful idea, and some truly awesome photos.
go and visit mirror project; it sucks you in, you just keep wanting to see more (and yes i am still kind of working today, despite hours of internet play time).

still tired

our electricty failed last night; not due to lack of payment or anything, just random durban black out. my house seems to be on a fault line, as our side of the neighbourhood randomly but regularly gets hit with black out problems; so we sit like folks from the 18th century reading by candle light, while our neighbours to the right, enjoy full electronic enjoyment. it makes me feel amish; a strange thing to adjust to.

yesterday i felt miserable; i had barely slept the night before (a regular occurance with me, however this was painful aweful lack of sleep) and was miserable (the problem and pain of being a girl arises just once a month). so when the black out happened, and it looked like it was settling in for a night of candle light, i decided to go to bed early and listen to more audio book entertainment. this is one benefit of being a member of the technologically advanced age; most things i own and use run off battery power so i can still use my laptop, enjoy ipod fun and cellphone joy. ha take that amish folk (despite electricity i can still have techno fun- petty i know but i need to feel marginally important these days). i climbed into bed at around 8.30 pm, something i havent done pretty much since i was a kid, wrapped from head to foot in warm hoodie, fleecy jammie pants and thick socks. wrapped in my caccoon of warm and loving duvet, i drifted off wiht the slow, southern accented narrator of my story in the background. all of this warm, snuggly joy and sleepful bliss was wrecked when ten minutes into this comfort, the electricity came back on, and i had left all my flat lights on. dammit. leaving my bed to turn them all off felt close to what a baby must feel when exiting the womb at birth; dammit, just when ive settled in for the long haul. i didnt sleep immediately afterwards, nor as fitfully as i would have liked, but im glad to annouce that all in all, i was in bed for roughly 12 hours, as i only left ready to leave it at 8.30 this morning.
despite all of this im still tired. im still longing to crawl back into my duvets loving folds, but swore that i actually had to do some work today. perhaps its acceptable for a afternoon nap time leave?

backside

so its now tuesday and i am seriously looking at the arse of the long weekend, and completely regretting not having finished as much work as i planned to at the dear start of said weekend. instead i listened, and finished the highly addictive audio version of "american gods", ate too much and became a kitchen/ domestic godness all in the space of a couple of days. sometimes i amaze even myslef. one thing im really proud of, is that i have finally finished the research report i was commissioned to do, oh roughly in the middle of last year! so the 5 month overdue report is now over; completed and looking good. all i need now is feedback, comments, a little last minute editing and then payment... its been waiting in the wings, screaming my name for so long now, that lifes going to feel wierdly empty without it.
i talk shit, its the best thing ever, and i can move on to real plans of taking over the world. one step at a time. as one can probably see, im hailing from the fact that the long weekend is over. its a hard thing to recover from. especially when reality hits far hard than it ever should.

too much of...

i have to be honest, and the internet seemed to be the perfect place to open my soul. there's something in the nature of the internet that seems to make you just want to tell those black, dark and deep secrets. and the honest truth is; i splurged again yesterday, gave into temptation and bought another pair of shoes. instantly feeling better about letting that go, the guilt is diminishing as i write. so i think the only logical thing to do in my situation, is to fully and openly accept my shoe fetish and indulge in the wonder that is shopping. i think im getting well used to this salaried lifestyle, and it supports all my addictions; the internet, shoes and my desperate need for continuing bowls of pronutro.

i cant believe its the best long weekend in the annual calendar and i am home working and have no plans to GET OUT OF TOWN. jesus i take back all that i just said about that salary; there's a high price to pay for that thing. so instead of going to music festivals with friends, jozi with others, or organising to go away somewhere exotic, i am staying at home, finishing belated work, aiming to reach deadlines next week, and gorging my sorrows and depression on cheap woolies wine, and easter eggs.

sounds awesome| think i live too much of a || rock star life

natures wonders

the monkeys are sitting in the palm trees outside my window, seriously feasting on the small, orannge fruit. it look awesome, they are all sitting in a little line, eating away, and when all the fruit is done, they spit out the pips to the garden below. they look brilliant; like grumpy old men spitting out chewing tobacco.

in other news these days: ive cut my hair again and am back to looking like a small boy. for someone that had very little hair to start with before the 'trim', there was certainly a ridiuclus amount shed onto the floor during the process. the bathroom hasnt looked or behaved the same ever since. i've always known i have a lot of hair, bless my genes my parents passed on thick locks to my sibling and i, so that we never have to have the fear of balding. despite this previous knowledge, i was still ridiculously surprised at the serious amount of hair that came off during the trimming process! the vice of having lots of hair i suppose, is the four hours it takes to clean up after a cut. suppose its the problem of doing it at home too. who cares is the other thing i suppose. and that i should be doing work now. but hell. again who cares.

dammit.

why should chosing a camera be so impossibly difficult?! the two most important criteria for a digital slr for me is: user friendly interface (so i can actually learn how to operate the thing and use it to its maximum potential) and secondly for a thing that takes pretty pictures of life around. ive finally (after months of stress) got it down to the canon 350D and the nikon D50.. both pretty in themselves, take nice pictures and are marginally within my price range. but what to choose?! i swear, one would think im a retard with zero brain capacity or intellectual thought that i cant chose/ think/ debate the differences and merits of each cameras. instead i end up stressed, sad and seriously confused about this whole thing. surely it actually doesnt matter- i mean in the scheme of things, isnt it ridiculous that this is a life stress of mine at the moment.

well, sniff, feel pathetic now, as have put the camera stress into prespective to the rest of life's important features, shouted at myself for caring and worrying about such a stupid matter, and worse, still havent decided which one! shit. sadly i think money is going to win this fight. hell as long as the thing takes pretty snaps. shows how interested and seriously invested in this i am.
besides all this shit- easter is coming up; carmen wants to be able to consume an entire box of marshmellow easter eggs (48 of the things) in one weekend, and seeing as she and i are pretty much the only ones in town and available over easter, i think we are going to work damn hard to achieve this fantastic feat. thats a whole lot of marshmellow. and easter. i hope im up for the challenge.

love to hate

it appears that i am having a love hate relationship with my blog- in that im not posting at all these days. much has been on the go, with many entertaining/ awful/ funny/ new things on the go, but the effort to post these happenings is failing me. i solemly swear to fill you, dearest friend internet, in about all these great adventures. just not now. im tired. and have a meeting real soon. barf. but later it will be.
right now have important things to do to prepare for meeting, like empty the dishwasher, update ipod and hang the washing on the line. my life is simply too full of exciting times to keep track of it all.

awkward is..

when the owners of the house you are house sitting come home a day early, and catch you totally unawares, while you have your shit spread EVERYWHERE. dammit. there i was, working in a relaxing environment, in from of the tv, on the large couch, in aircon; minding my own business i stroll through to the kitchen to turn on the kettle for afternoon coffee, when the owners, neither of whom i know at all, come home from holiday. the guy was really sick and feeling rubbish, so they had decided to cut their holiday short.


they had tried to call to warn me, but not knowing a thing, i had decided not to answer the phone all day to prevent having to explain who i was, why i was there, and where the owners were. so consequence: rather awkward meeting, me struggling to pack up everything in 30 seconds so that i could get out of there asap, despite her offering for us to stay for dinner and even the night if we wanted. ive never been so happy to explain that no, i lived only 30 seconds down the road and i liked my home better.

current situation: happy to be settled back in my own nice home environment, with personal belongings, non-pastel shades and my own small dogs around me.

totally lucked out however: as my brother and his lady are coming to town this weekend, so i have to vacate my lovely little flat to make space for them. uncomfy beds and foreign environs again. hell at least there will be no pastel shades around, or a horse sized dog so in a way im okay about it all!

pastel colours and great danes

ive had a week from hell, and a weekend of work and endless e! entertainment watching. never ever a healthy combination i tell you. this weekend faye and i are house sitting a colleague's house while she and her man are off gallivanting somewhere. the house is weird but large; it has the weird empty feeling of a holiday home, and is covered in enough pastel floral prints and boring art to be just a perfect holiday home, one that no one really loves all that much, and bumps their spare stuff in. however it does have dstv (a winner) and two dogs (major negative feature): a great dane the size of a horse that reaches my waist, and a smelly, farty poodle. strange times i tell you. for virtually the entire weekend, i have sat on the large couch, surrounded by the dogs (who seem to constantly fart and smell out the room on occasion), with my laptop endlessly editing a report for work, while ever so slightly distracted by the running gossip trash that is e!... im loving it i tell you! not much else to report really. life has simply been far too occupied with work to even mention, let alone delve into and think about and discuss.

its| killing|| me. but ive got cake, closely follwed by wine, so things should be okay for just a little while.