oops

reading back over recent past posts it may appear like im a crazy again, with a massive drinking problem but i assure you that is not the case- im very responsible, do work hard when i get around to it, the thesis is going well, and i am healthy and particularly not an alcoholic. i promise. its only on certain occassions, and i fear that im getting older and cant handle the next day as well as i used to. so i bitch and moan about it, and grumble about the likes of a sore head and the ridiculous things i get up to. god i sound terrible. its all fun and games until your brain starts to hurt. ha.

shew

it appears that my social calendar is over taking my life. not that im a social butterfly, in such incredibly high demand, but there always seems to be something on the go that i cant miss out on, such as farewells, birthdays, gatehrings, friends in from out of town, and so on it goes. i decided after a reasonably calm, yet booze soaked weekend that this was it, i was going to take action, simplify my life, keep a low profile, and put nose to the grindstone with nazi like determination. ha. barely a day into the week and that silly little idea has shattered, kicked up the arse and told to sod off. march was going to be my hard work, finish this bloody thesis before i loose my marbles and start taking others down with me determination bullshit. dammit its already arsed. especially after long overdue catch up with old friend last night, that ended up around 3 this morning, after consuming too many irish coffees so i couldnt even fall asleep effectively for about an hour. its like the universe is conspiring against me, that it wants me to play and therefore its going to throw all these obstancles in the way of my work determinism just to chuck me off balance. damn you universe. i know what youre saying, why not just say no, be a bad friend for awhile and just finish it. i can hear the judging, but with my rubber arm and all, saying no and staying in is proving to be all too tricky. finishing a chapter isnt quite as satisfying as a good laugh over a sundowner. shit. i really will be thirty and still living at home by the time i actually pull finger and finish this thing. haha. least my mom will foot the bill til then, right?!

ha

this made me laugh today. from he-she's interview on isolation.

09. What one improvement would you like to see in South Africa?
He-Shes: New wallpaper, and maybe some terracotta tiles.

gmail is killing me. its taken roughly 30 minutes to attempt to send something with 2 little pictures attached to it. stupid programme. as a result, in combination with the large amounts of alcohol i consumed last night, oh and every other night this week, i have a headache. brain squeeze. never a good thing. think its time for more water. and asprin. ah good old asprin, my dear friend. will promise to clean up my act, detox my soaked body and general behave in a more orderly fashion. starting next week. come on, im house sitting a stranger house with a large pool this weekend; fun will be had, in large doses. at least im honest about my lack of willpower, self discipline and general bad habits. i like to wear heart on sleeve, or is that my alcoholism on my sleeve? tricky.

not so new

i changed to the new blogger system, now powered by google. seems pretty much exactly the same, just takes twice as long to load. rad, i love it when changes and supposed improvements make things worse rather than better. seems like ive been waiting for hours to finally just get to my dashboard to post; bleh makes me grumpy, but perhaps its just because im tired today; belly full of beer from yesterday didnt allow me to sleep terribly well. the things we do to ourselves. stupid girl. so its nothing but water today, no coffee or bad things; think my body wont really know what hit it. my brain feels squeezed.

love day

so its love day again, when the world gets covered in red, flowers and silly stuffed toys that have hearts in their tummies and say things like "i love you beary much". im not getting old, bitter or becoming a lonely spinster. not yet dammit. so in celebration of being single, we're pigging out this evening on junk food, lots of wine and the cheesiest romcoms available. just my kind of night. so all of you in relationships, go and hug your partners; valentines is a crap hallmark sponsored day, but at least let it remind you of the special people and how much you love them. otherwise celebrate being single, young and crazy. see i've managed to retain my civility, humanity, grace and gentleness this valentines; im being nice, and sending love.
(that and spreadthelove.co.za is just too funny- even more cards than last year-makes me giggle)

too much of the lazy life

i fear i am becoming far too accustomed to the student life again. waking up past 8, perhaps even 9 sometimes doesnt seem as bad as it used to. ive been trying to treat this thesis like a 9 to 5 job; sit down and just bloody work away at it, everyday. and so far ive been doing well. just the 9 am start is slowly but surely slipping a little later, the dedication waning just a tad. at this rate i'll be done when im thirty, rad. so its time to pull finger again; i try to write at least 5 pages a day, even if its shite at leat im still writing. writing will in turn at least mean i have something on paper, which can be edited, shaped up and reformed and thus slowly begin to shape an intelligent argument and thesis. this is all in theory, im hoping to see results and benefits of this process shortly. either that or i wasted vast amounts of time writing shit. i fear it may be the latter. sigh. after sleeping for a good 9 hours, im slightly less worried or stressed about that fact than i should perhaps be. oh well. here's to thirty! speaking of which, its rather strange to suddenly realise things in life have actually changed around you, despite you not really taking notice or feeling much different. my god brother (i know that position doesnt exist, but its way easier to explain who he is) turns 30 in a weeks time. this is someone who i grew up with from zero, someone who has always been around, almost the other brother i didnt need, and here we are about to celebrate his thirtieth birthyday. christ when did we start getting old? 30 was always one of those big ages you turn, when you settled in careers, families etc. not when you still getting your feet on the ground, and are still a crazy kid like he is. strange we've been growing up and old this whole time without me really taking notice, i suppose because i still feel like a silly know-nothing 14 year old. perhaps that eases with time and age too?! either that or all this lazy, take it slow student life is affecting my brain capacity a little more than i thought it had.

serious abuse

i havent abused my body to such a wicked extent in a long time. my god the detox that needs to come after a weekend of that nature will take forever; i fear permanent damage. champagne fridays, closely followed by the most ridiculously fun boozey saturday (that carried on so long it was almost sunday). sigh, great fun but great abuse. im gonna be sweating pure alcohol for days. rad.

somewhere along the line i took a step backwards

yesterday was a sad day of realisation that somewhere along the path of life, i moved backwards a couple of steps instead of forwards somehow and im not really sure where it all changed. saturday last week was an amazing day of tons of free champagne, food, great friends around etc at launch party of restuarant- where we felt like lame (only in durban) celebrities etc etc you get the point. but yesterday i found myself working at one such similar event, serving the every people that i was meant to be like. sniff. it was a camel experience party; 16 specially invited elite members were in for luxury spa treatments of full body hour long massages and another foot treatment, as well as access to any of the other spa facilities (sauna, steamroom etc) while i served them endless champagne, snacks and free cigarettes. sigh. so they got pampered and spoilt and sat around in toweling robes while i ran around ensuring they were boozed enough. the really sad thing is that i make pittence from this work, but my level of desperation has sunk to a new low so i get happy about any money. i hate being part of a capitalist economy and am beginning to understand why some crazies run off into the bush to create their own moneyless self sustaining worlds. sometimes i could join. whats funny is i wouldnt care about my money situation if i were a vip. ha. this shallow pool world we live in.

routines

i hate routine; to me it means mundane, boring existence, something that never changes, and thus will force me into an early grave. routines bother me, and stupidly actually make me angry and bitter on extreme occassions. this morning was one of them; every morning i come down frrom my flat around the same time, 10 am, when ive been awake for hours already, have done work etc, and now want to eat breakfast and check my mail. and every time my dad sees me do this, he says "ha youre up early". every time. without fail. there are these daily interactions, or repetitous banter that grinds me down. silly, i know i should shrug them off, thats life and all the rest, but this morning it got to me. are there no other choices available? perhaps i woke on the wrong side of the bed, despite having only one side. grump.
ive just realised why; no coffee and breakfast happiness in me yet. explains everything. hungry meg isnt fun.

celebrations

Just heard that my proposal was approved by the faculty school board- so its all systems go! Yay. Thought i'd share the good news- I didn't really think it would be but refused or in need of alteration (the number of things i changed that bastard), but still worried as would mean another set back, and i've already started writing so didn't want to have to change anything etc.
Radical. The end is near.

me and sleep have a long and complex past; its always been a tricky relationship, filled with love and hate. lately, more hate than anything. seems im getitng back into a bad pattern of being tired all the time, only sleeping past midnight and totally struggling to wake in the mornings. bugger. i dont care really, as long as i still am sleeping at all (sometime i treasure, that the insomnia evil hasnt desended yet) just it seriously impacts on productivity rates. concentration is slack these days, which is problematic for the studies. as a result its slow and painstaking with WAY too much coffee to keep me stimulated and awake. huh. interesting, and totally irrelevant news of the day.

humph

blogger has been problematic lately- so i keep writing posts, uploading them, and the poor little things disappear into the ether never to be seen again. perhaps it could be combination of crap connection, and worse blogger? its not entirely a tradegy or a major transvesty to me or the world, but it was annoying me last week. im ever so slightly disturbed to realise february has started and launched properly already without me really being prepared for it to do so; so much to do, so little energy/ inspiration/ care/ bother to get it done. although i can proudly say things are getting better, im working harder, and am on track, i mean come on, i have chapter headings, and some break down ideas now!? thats the third mozzie to bite me in the ass this morning already; looks like im in for a long day.

mmm

had gumbo for dinner last night. think i was born in the wrong place; totally should have been a southern belle, eating chicken-fried steak, grits and making a big ald pot o gumbo. funny as am reading a book set in the texas panhandle too; its written like they talk, about awl, barbwar, and ald horses. i mean how do you compare boerewors to a thing like gumbo.