aaah!

have just checked the weather report- i have 'tiger' operating system on my computer, and thanks to apple and their dashboard fun times, i can get a 6 day weather forecast for any city in the world- so have one for bozeman, montana to see just how cold the boys will be, and a new one for new york, just to compare the cold factor. so new york wont be too bad at least when you all get there- it averages just below 10 during the day, but does drop at night... this all seems like summer when in comparison to montana however. couldnt actually help laughing when i saw jsut how unbelievably cold its going to be- a good example is that today its snowing hard, at -7 during the day, dropping to a coolish -17 this evening. my god. i wish i had packed jon's warmy snow boots now. despite them being the ugliest things ever made. luckily this is the coldest it'll be for the next week- the best day being next monday: sunny at -4.
ha. you're going to be very chilly. brrrr. lucky you are a bear under it all.

oh fuck off reality

technology really does make the distances seem smaller. less stressful and far. more manageable. huh. damn this global village stuff, still feels hella far away.
wish i would travel like in the old days and simply fold a map and i'd be there.

god reality has now hit and hit hard. the world unfortunately doesn't stop, or at least graciously pause, when you are going through emotional distress and difficult times. the work load continues to grow larger and larger and cause more trouble- rather than fading away into the mist, and the abyss where bad work goes to die, like it rightfully should. deadlines and research still continue with your name on them, barking in the background, looming more dangerously. wouldn't it be nice if the world stop working and disappeared when i rolled up into a small ball in my bed. so much work has been waiting in the side wings for me, and now its run out and taken centre stage, despite me still realing from the madness of emotions this last month has bought me.

found your lonely, single sock in my bag when i unpacked yesterday. cried more about that than anything else thus far. poor lonely sock. i'll nurse it back to good health and take care like he were my own i promise.

sigh.. tomorrow is the day

i hate you- jon is patronising my blog, and the lameness of my writing: case in point- i wrote a note to myself the other day to enter into my blog...

i was so hot this morning after my shower that i decided to wear a vest- bad idea as now im cold.
and dont have jersey. and stuck at varsity. bugger. i hate it when it happens like this.
... and jon just pissed in his pants laughing at the silliness and stupidity of it all. so lame. i have to resign myself to the fact that my writing sucks, blogs lame and oh well.
been neglecting this poor dear thing too much lately- well to be fair i was far away from internet connections and wifi technologies (which i discovered i actually dont have on my computer despite it being a newish ibook g4- shit) we went away to my farm in the berg for the last weekend together- time runs out far faster than you expect when your partner is imminently leaving the coutnry! time was fantastic there- it seemed to stop entirely of its own accord, and leave us to our own devices. with the pouring rain and massive lightening storms it was rather crazy times. nature seems to be so much greater than you when you are in its more untamed surroundings; in cities these things dont seem to impact on your life quite as much as they felt on a farm in the berg. well particularly when you discover that the thatch that looks so quiant and pretty, actually leeks.. all over your bed. so needless to say what with the crazy weather patterns (the one weekend we decide to go away its torential downpours aand a cold front) we did nothing but relax, take the longest baths known to mankind, and dabbled in the risky world of board game challenges- i say risky as jon is highly competitve and a sad/sulky loser, or at least tries to pretend that he isnt. hours of entertainment, fighting and fun can be had from speed, shit head, master mind and monopoly- but be warned that it does involve some one winning, taking control of the whole board and all the cash, and another sadly and grumpily losing. hahahahahaha. sorry needed to release some sweet revenge. i tease, i tease. all in all, it was an absolutely insane and great weekend- which resulted in an equally crazy farewell for the boys. god. madness. too many emotions and booze, and crazy friends around for the maintenance of my good health and sanity.

oh well. thats pretty much the hugest update ive ever written. still trying to pack and get everything sorted for the final departure tomorrow. and im so utterly exhausted that it feels like my eyes are going to start bleeding rather soon. so many clothes and travel accessories surround me, and i see no end in sight.

you will be missed. much. baby mice. kiss kiss.

ha

i have no hair, i have no hair.

i am now the proud owner of a shaven head.
i fear that i makes me look like a 15 year old small boy..
either that or a dyke, but jon swears that i looks sexy.
think that he had something to do with the persuasion of getting this done, he actually did the shaving- i fear ensuring that i do actually look like a small 15 year old boy, or dyke... hmmm.

its just a really strange naked feeling-i cant hide behind my hair now, cant simply just blend into the crowd, rather i feel that i stand out rather nakedly, or baldly perhaps- and people arent very shy about going in for the stare either. just wierd what a massive difference a change of hair makes- to my life, and to how people percieve me now. it comes with so many associations and connatations- that people immediately boxed me into. strange. well at least it cuts down dramatically on labour and intensity of effort, and i suppose will be painfree and cooling for the summer heat.

and who needs to look like a girl when you know you are one anyway. huh.

i'll believe in anything

so today was a rather momentous occassion- i handed in the last assignment i will ever have to do for my masters degree- my course work is now officially over, and as rediculous as it may seem, but it feels like my life can start again. the stress and tension is gone, only to be replaced by clam (or calm but perhaps clam would be a better replacement- wow i cant spell for shite), and plain tiredness at the moment- but hopefully drunken bliss rather shortly! dont get me wrong, this isnt the real end- i still have the wonderful joy of my thesis waiting and looming in the background, but for now, there is sweet bliss that the course work is done with. haha i am running away with myself- this is being incredibly optimist and hoping like hell that ive passed everything, which seeing as i didnt even read through or edit this last essay, may be seeing that glass a little too full! well right now i cant be assed. im delighted. so tired i can barely type or see straight but hell it feels good! shit. i need the biggest glass of champers, closely follwed by a few more litres of wine. sigh. the joys. i can do it now without feeling that guilt that i should be working instead....

i need sunshine. and booze.

dearest mac

today nearly broke me; im really not good with death and endings. it just still doesnt make sense to me. and this one in particular. im glad i went though. i truly despise funerals, but it was more cathartic than i expected it to be- i certainly feel a greater sense of closure than i thought.

at such a young age you saw more pain and things than most of us know. although your life has been short it was a good one. it just isnt fair. we will love and miss you. hopefully beautiful things can come from the dark... x

hmmm.... problems?

been looking over what i wrote on my baby plants- and made me laugh to think that yes i am a 22 year old varsity student and this is what i chose to write on and to occupy my time. oi vei... i need an occupation, greater dedication to my studies, or to buy a puppy. theres definately something lacking in my life it appears. or in my brain. ha.

spinach update: mid nov

i planted some spinach seeds awhile ago- every now and again i attempt to put some innocent seedlings though hell by trying to raise them- and i chose spinach. no reason but that the seeds were already in the cupboard- some old birthday or christmas present i had bought my mother and we all forgot about them- it was a combination pack: spinach and camoline seeds- apparently they work well together and compliment each other growths (well done there, nice new leaf, keep up the good work my son and so on, i hear they are rather polite) so i merrily made sure the soil was in good condition, lots of compose, good position for sun and rain and so on and planted my dear seeds with the eager excitement of a small child in a candy store. well i waited and waited...and kind of forgot about them- unfortunately you will learn that i dont have the best attention span- until the grand day arrived when they started to appear out of the soil. at first so tentative and tiny, but gradually to grow larger.

now this is where i get lost- they have now turned into the shitest plants around- i think one has managed to actually look slightly like a spinach plant should (greenish leaves and all) but the rest- i think i lost them to the sacrifice for the plant god or something. they are shrivelled, weedy and pathertic looking things- and the blasted camoline didnt even bother to make an appearance- i think they instictively knew that i would fuck it up and so gave up before the race even started. so now, each time i walk to my room, i am reminded about the horrible fact that i am a useless gardener- god dont ever let me have children. so all in all im going to be evil and sadastic and leave them to grow- its kind of experimental to see just how shitty they can end up looking, let alone, god help the person who attempts it, but tasting. hence the updates that i plan on providing, along with the necessary visuals, so as to allow all to keep track with the growth of my poor demonic plants. ha that and i recently planted rocket- oh we can only wait to see how those turned out.

ooooooooh

when good times turn bad.. come on, we all know about it.

painful times

so i had an interview for a potential job yesterday morning- well afternoon in fact- at 1 pm. i started getting ready at around 12.20ish as wanted to be efficient, get dressed in appropriately smart good-impression clothes, do make up and hair (what little i have) and be there with plenty of time to park, and be prompt- you know the story of aiming to make a good impression and all. usually i am a fast dresser- im very badly organised, and tend to faff and fart around doing stupid and pointless things when stressed and compressed for time, and am well known for being late, but somehow i thought today would be different, that maybe i had grown up a little, but no, alas i was too premature to be thinking things like that. overall it was fucking redicilous- if anyone had watched me... oi vei. i think my room hasnt seen such mess since... well perhaps last night when i was trying to dress for dinner out, but well you get the point. every smartsih outift/ item was tried on, thrown around, ironed and rethrown onto the floor. the end of the story being that i landed up on the doorstep of the company, looking rediculous after id thrown on anything i could find (due to the stress of lack of clothing and the lateness i ended up wearing anything that fitted) and well, as you may have guessed a little late- as is becoming a usual trait for me. shit. after all that commotion and stress i better fucking get the job- if only to be able to afford better clothes. and many clocks.

new beginnings

i have started this blog mainly so that jon has an easy way of knowing what im getting up to each day when he leaves for distant shores and is far away from the daily stupid things i do- but also i suppose for other distant friends to read my bullshit, and its rather wierd having this stuff on the internet- open domain for people to read my thoughts and know about my life is rather strange- and ever so slightly voeristic. kind of makes you feel important- cause youre writing your thoughts and no one can really tell you to shut up.. although that comments section may impact i suppose. hmmm...its also just a nicer way of documenting my life than through emails.. least this way is more fun too.

so im in training at the moment- trying to get myself used to the idea of writing stuff down- i used to write all the time- i have loads of old journals scattered around my room, along with much other rubbish, to prove that ive been through angst and teen confusion and rebellion.. it provides hours of entertainment to go back through them and remember what i was going through and why and have a good laugh at how lame it all seems now. yeah so i felt that i needed to get used to writing my shitty, self involved and wanky thoughts down, and get used to attempting to write daily- well at least as often as possible. i think im too excited about this but at the same time, i fear that i will loose this blessidly silly excitement rather quickly- maybe if i hear too many complaints about lack of imput it will motivate me to actually do something- you really shouldnt get into something with the fear that you are going to fail already hey?! god its started already.

so yeah all of this is merely a sorry note to anyone who has to read this shit. shame jon- you have to, as its the only way to know about my silly and ridiculous daily experiences. bet you wish you werent leaving now hey!? heh. i will try to be coherent and sensible, but i think we all know that the chances of that with me are slim if not impossible. that and i promise to tell you if i hurt myself or do something ultra stupid- like hit my head on things- to keep you feeling like youre still here- i mean what would life be without constant updates on my stupidities and injuries i have self inflicted.

but overall i hope it makes for slightly pleasant reading- if not enjoyable at least provides laughs at my expense. im too good at the self depricating shit. hmm. bitch if it gets lame and i'll improve by taking some wanky, artsy photos and write about my drug addiction and depression problem instead. isnt that what blogs are all about!?

chillin

so just created this thing- think its going to have a greater life than i can control... we'll just have to hope for the best.
but thanks jon
suppose its all for you anyway
x