times are a tight

sjoe. its all down hill from here to the end of the year, and that means 60 tons of stress to finish everything off before that happens. things are getting tight with time, but i still feel like i havent been able to catch my breath, sort things out properly and put them into the right order, for me to effectively take control and finish the year. im still in april dammit, how in gods name did we get to november without me really realising it. jesus. at least one good thing has come out of today- my boss has told me to work less, spend more time on finishing my thesis completely by the end of the month (it has to be in then so its a very short time line) and that things will be calming down in december so she'll give me a paid holiday. woop woop. hell yay. thats what i like to hear. this hopefully it means i can play a little, do the travel thing (there are already plans for cape town and joburg playtimes) and finally lounge by the pool, stress free/ thesis free/ and work free and be able to get tanned and drunk without caring. good times. i do still have to get through the next month and a half sane and normal and pull finger on the work though. wishing i could wake up and its mid december and all is done for me by the little nerd elves that live under my bed. that would be nice.
my fantasy sundays are helping me get through things though. been a great last month of doing something crazy, out of the ordinary and lovely on sundays, and they seem to be making up for the rest of the week stress time. yay. think the sun coming out every now and again is also helping to improve the mood, as its teasing me that summer is soon here. sweatfest and sunshine; i like. pity we're only on tuesday, and i'm already longing for sunday again.

i fear i am becoming more socially awkward, isolated, and intolerant these days. maybe it has just been a rough patch? i admit im well stressed, over worked and underpaid which in general is not so good for one's demeanor, but it has certainly been noticeable. a general grump and out-of-place feeling i suppose is the best way to describe it. just a marginally pap feeling, that has becoming ever so slightly noticable and persistant. it has been only this week, but im finding im becoming increasingly intolerant, and removed. things are irritating me more than usual, things which at a intellectual level i should dismiss as silly, but try telling me that when it happens. not sure why, just that its there. i think i need some time out perhaps? a good break is in order; no party party kak fest, just work and lounge by the pool? either that or i need to try and remove the grump monster from my brain and the carrot thats growing in my arse. silly me. oh me, oh my.
perhaps its just the seemingly eternal wait for payday thats making me this anti social poo. i long for the swollen available balance, to buy things without having to ask for R40 for petrol to add to the fumes that my car runs on. a friend validated this stink when i explained it today over coffee. she said people have natural highs and lows, and she having just found her way out of said stink lately herself, thinks its perfectly normal for me to be on the down slope, and that it would get better from here. she was kind enough to say its fine to remove yourself form life for a while, only to find your feet and re-emerge again later. think? me thinks so. so i think a bow out for a short time is perhaps necessary, for me to banish grump master and grin again. either that or just a beer would do!

to make you think

rather interesting piece from a friend; perhaps just uber refreshing after so much bokke shitfest constantly in my face for the last three days. ha. it doesnt make us bitter or cynical, just observant and questioning.

No one wants to shit on the Springboks parade. Only cynical idiots might dare to do such a thing and thereby risk the wrath of a nation (or rather national minority). Yes it is a welcome victory, in my limited understanding of the Game; a well fought or mauled one. However no blood, testosterone and tears, no Boerewors bravado, can conceal the discrepancies that arise when the Sunday Tribune prints the front page title 'WE DID IT' above a picture of the glowing Boks and opportunistic Mbeki. A collective all inclusive pronoun, ‘OUR’ united nation. Yes 'WE' (supposedly) collectively did it. There is nothing in itself wrong with 'WE'. The combined support of fans, the tenacity and skill of the Boks’ through four years of trial and tribulation, no doubt all contribute and culminate in much deserved victory. Where 'We' and the ultimately useless ideology of national association and pride come into play is that if 'WE' as a nation are accepting responsibility for a South Africa's victories (and raising its leader on their shoulders) then so to must WE 'face up' and associate ourselves with its losses, its blunders, it multitude of cock up’s.

Boring! You yawn and turn the page. Well try turn the same page of the newspaper. See the glaring image of tragically slain reggae icon Lucky Dube. Try put the title 'We did it' over that. No rather 'THEY' did it. 'THEY' of course being the government, the criminals, the destitute, the down trodden; the everyone else; the others. No not 'I' and most certainly not "WE!' This can be applied to just about every other article that expounds on about the deceit, corruption, and avarice of our ailing nation. And yes 'WE' deserve the transitory escapism of the moment. Admittedly 'glory' and 'relief' is hard to come by; euphoria of this nature all too fleeting and ephemeral. So yes, let's loose our heads and enjoy it while it lasts because come next Sunday there will be no 'WE's; only 'YOU'S and THEM'S. Again I reiterate my disdain is not over the Bok's 'Victory'. Hardly, but rather in the blaring contradiction that is Mbeki being raised on the shoulders of hulking green men, grasping the slippery gold cup in his palm for a quick photo op. (Enjoy it while you can some might say). Ah 'Solidarity' the world coos, isn't that nice. Solidarity, I say and so the whole world comes to a stand still.

Here is a team who nobly refused to wear blazers in act of defiance over one of their coaches not been granted the right to wear one too (due to his non Serf –Efricaness). But in the same panting breath bare a incompetent, dangerous, deceitful and dare I say negligent 'dictator' high on their shoulders? A crowning glory or humiliation? You decide. Politics is not so easily washed away, rather it remains an indelible grass skid mark (shit stain) on the Omo washed white pants of the players. This is after all a world wide acknowledgement, a statement; a dishonest symbol of unity. Immortalized now (at the regret and mercy of history's photoshop erasing skills) in newspapers and newscasts across the globe. 'WE' as a nation salute you Mr Mbeki. All is forgotten while we hold and carry you (messiah-like) above the roaring masses. All is forgotten while we drink ourselves into oblivion and party like its 1999. As for the hoards of exiled Saffers bellowing in London pubs do they stand as 'We'? Perhaps. For remember in this case all that matters (racial slurs, South Africa bashing aside) is that it is 'OUR' nation's victory. 'OUR' nation's pride and you, Mr Mbeki (just for the moment) OUR nation's ever benevolent Granddaddy. Does this mean next week we may return to reviling you; criticizing and scorning you? Writing bleeding heart (and ultimately ignored) letters to the your office about the escalating crime/aids/corruption (you name it) rates. Once again to pit 'WE' against 'THEM' when we realize the futility and stupidity of our collaboration; of foolishly having let down our guard.

Must we be so fickle as to forget the accumulated insanity of his government in the name of a one night stand of victory? No, this is not Mr Mandela, nor post 1994 euphoria. Times they have a changed. Mbeki stood incongruous; an awkward and unwanted accessory in the good ol' name of international reputation and nation building. Politics and Sports sadly inexorably wound into one. "Go Bokke" I say; as a pride of devoted, skilled, world champions but let's just bare in mind that in the selective context and memory of our country. 'WE' did and continue to do nothing, except complain.

hold fingers

on a wonderful leisurely sunday afternoon picnic this weekend, while looking through the careers section as i do every sunday, i found the most perfect job for me. its the first time that I've actually squeeeeeeeled with delight at the thought of applying, as its simply what I've been waiting and hoping for. deputy director of inner city regeneration, for the department of economic development in joburg metro. its exactly what I've spent the last four years prepping for, and passionate about, and there it is in an advert, waiting to write my name on the door of my new office. I've just sent my cv through, so I'm holding fingers and toes, crossing thumbs, picking 4 leafed clovers, and rubbing my rabbit's foot, all with baited breath hoping like bloody crazy i get the call back. pretty, pretty please. it would make me smile. lots. we can only hope. in the meantime there is still my real job, and thesis to concern and worry over, but things are getting along just fine at the pace they are going at. its good. just cant wait for summer holiday, pool and sundowners time, where i do nothing but grow future melanomas and liver serosis, and finally read the last harry potter. woop woop. good times to look forward to. oh and pay day. fucking finally.

good lord above

my god im sick and tired of rain. cold, wet, grey weather be gone with you please, if not only for my sanity and peace of mind, but also for my need of swimming and playing in the sun, and that it is almost summer and we've had two warm days in the last months. im over it. muchly. waking up super early this morning, and already being sad about leaving my bed, was not helped or improved by looking outside to see yet more rain and grey. again. poooooooooh. it makes me grumpy. not a good thing. think it means im just going to drink lots of coffee, and go home early to snuggle in bed and read. much nicer than being at work, especially since i've been here since 7.45 for a training session that could have been done in 20 minutes, and wasnt really that informative at the best of times. joyous rapture. god i am a grump. think its coffee time again; its the only way to make it through awake, alive and in some sort of decent spirit. im sounding like a bitter old woman, which thankfully i'm not yet, but its all the rains fault.

heart attack number 1

on my way into varsity this morning, i spotted one of the best parking spots about to be vacated. woop woop as parking is such a nightmare there these days, that often i don't even bother to try and end up turning around and working from home. so gladness and joy filled my heart when i was able to sidle up to the about-to-be-empty parking bay right by the main entrance, and wait for the guy to leave. as i was pulling into the parking site to align myself to park, i felt a nudge on the left back end of my car. jesus christ, i had over-steered the car, due to still present unfamiliarity with power steering, and had bumped the car next to me. i swear to god in zero.three seconds, my life flashed before my eyes, my heart stopped, my palms went sweaty and my brain froze. i could just see the future stress of explaining to daddy dearest how i had hurt my brand new little panda, writing a note on the car behind for fucking up their bumper and so on. i parked, lept out and went to inspect the other car first. the heart attack number two followed- there was a massive dent in the side of his car, major scrapes and dents by his lights, and on his bumper. JESUS i was going in super slowly and couldn't have wiped out the side of his car?!!?! shit. that's when brain freeze and panic went into overload. i ran to my car, luckily to find only superficial plastic scrapes just next to my tyre. SHIT. so it wasn't my fault that his car looked like that, it was a previous scrape, it wasn't me. it wasn't me. it was only superficial. it wasn't me. it wasn't serious. on inspection of his car again, you couldn't even see where my car had scraped- he must have done that ages ago, and thankfully i did nothing to further it or make it worse. my car has a few little black plastic scrapes from his bumper, but on scratching it they're already coming off, so things are looking better. i was in such a panic, i just bolted to my office, so i could dump my things, get a coffee and a cigarette and think about what just happened. christ almighty, it could have been bad to my car and his, and it could have been worse than it was, and it was all actually okay. things were going through my head way too fast, and i think i gave my poor little nerd office mate a large fright as i was so frizzled. but its okay now. 3 cups of coffee later, and two smoke breaks i think i'll be okay. now i just have to drive with EXTREME concentration, minimal steering and have to go home to scrape the black shit off my side before daddy spots it and comments. sjoe. all that just on my way to work this morning. christ whats the rest of the day going to hold for me?! I'm in constant fear that something else is going to happen, but that might just make the nerves worse, so I'm actively trying to calm myself down now. breathe, little one, breathe.
I'm off to visit a dear friend in hospital now- she's been laid up with malaria, so we're all a little worried now. fingers crossed she's on her way to recovery as we speak. hospitals make me scare and nervous- probably not the best place for me today, but we shall go and conquer our fears.

new leaf time

things are finally going to settle down and get more normal from now on. i cant handle the pace anymore, so its bowing gracefully out of society for a good long time, and working my little arse off. everything has deadlines that are looming, and im falling way behind, so its serious focus, work nazi and detox time. sjoe. the future will not be as fun as the last two weeks have been, but that lifestyle cant be continued for too long i tell you. things start to go pear shaped and slightly too mental for my liking, and i just need sleep, good nutrition and to settle back down in normality and ordinary life. thank god. i had to scrape myself out of bed this morning, and i cant carry on doing that any more, and compromising work. its just 2 more months of slog, and then its summer holidays and christmas times. my favourite times. so the hard work is nothing until then- one last slog and then its done and over (forever). i just need to keep telling myself that. over and over and over again. especially each time the beer and party come calling.

hell

i haven't had a brain lately. they feel like scrambled eggs at the moment. life has been all about work, play hard, drink more, and on the odd occasion get some sleep. its been fun but mental, and i'm in need of an early holiday rest already. pity about that as it will only happen in December- its reached shit fest time with work and thesis is 3 weeks away from submission. jesus. its full battle and panic stations but it will get there. if it doesn't interrupt the drinking time that is. god. liver detox and no booze from next week- its the final weekend for fun then its all downhill staring at computer and no breathing, eating, communication from then. god help me, but its necessary. for my head, my job, my thesis, and my poor lonely and pathetic thing i used to call a liver. i cant even be creative or imaginative these days, its all about existing. but at least its being done with a smile on my face. especially since its sunshine, warmth and spring time today. about time.

new week

sigh, my poor body. i do pity it, but that sad little pity party doesn't stop the abuse. in order to counter the hectic work week, i went a little crazy with the girls this weekend. much fun was had, falling over on the dance floor ensued, and general mayhem had it's front row seats. its been a good balance, of crazy work, doing well and good during the week, and then mental on the weekends. i like it. pity the girls are leaving again soon, so this fun blast-from-the-past reunion and fun time will come to an end. but other old friends and delightfuls are back, and the thesis is almost done, so it looks like similar fun/ balance/ work times ahead. i like this normal way of doing this. balance. like what normal, ordinary people do. ha. its a new week again. jesus this year is over. where did it go?

its a hard not life

rain, rain go away, come back another day.
i'm tired of the rain. and the gray. and the chilliness in the air. i want summer. i long for summer. yesterday there was a hint of what's to come. late afternoons, walking the dog, warmth, little clothes, no jersey needed, open windows, playing in the sun, sundowner beer. all that summery sunshine goodness. i don't know what's wrong with me that i'm craving it so much. lack of vitamin D? winter blues and winter skin need to be shed and discarded? think i just long to not be stuck indoors anymore; swimming and beach missions here we come.
perhaps its simply the reaction for sitting in front of a computer for over 8 hours a day? me thinks it is likely. if its not work, then its thesis. i want to vomit on my laptop i see it so often, for such long stretches of the day. its become my lover, my best friend, my hated rival and most evil enemy. god i need to get out of the house, and speak to normal people, not the computer or my dog. i can just hear my marbles falling onto the floor around me, and rolling away under a dusty cupboard.

toooooooo tired to think much, let alone straight, these days. its all about work, thesis and attempting to maximise time with long lost friends. and then trying to get some sleep in between despite the lack of time and the never ending head noise. it sounds like its tough, its not really. but its tiring. i need a holiday.