long processes

i have recently rediscovered my love for cooking and kitchen time. its a surprise as i was getting to the stage where i thought a) i hated anything to do with the kitchen/ food b) that nothing much was making me happy or inspired any form of emotion, so this recently rediscovered happy desire is awesome to say the least. yesterday, after a long but fruitless meeting, i was suddenly filled with culinary inspiration and desire, and came home to cook up a feast of extraordinary proportions. i documented the proceedings, and the proof is on flickr. it was chinese chicken dumplings in broth to start, followed by lamb chops with vegetable baskets, all happily rounded off with chocolate puddings with banana and peanut butter insides. needless to say, after 4 hours of prep, and two tons of food, i was exhausted and rolled to bed happy and beaming, something that that much food and the accompanying wine would help me to achieve. tonight i have a friends dinner party to attend; its her last day of waitressing, before she starts her great new job tomorrow, so we are having a 'burning of the apron' party. im already getting excited about the prospects of more wonderful food as apparently there is curry and indian delights to be expected (as well as burning and freedom rituals)..
think that this new found love may be a problematic romance!?

let them eat cake

i strongly believe that everyone should start their days off by eating cake for breakfast. there's just nothing like a good carrot cake at 8 in the morning to make you feel like the world is a happier place.

trash

the girls and i went shopping in town this weekend. the main aim of the excursion was to get shoes (aka takkies) for Lu, and the rest of us had the simple desire for obtaining yet more trashy jewelry for our collections. there is the most amazing store close to victoria street market, that has the greatest collection of crap jewelry one can get their hands on. needless to say, once the show mission was completed, which was rather rapid and painless, we headed over to said store. about 40 minutes later, having handed over only 40 bucks, i came out beaming, with a packet full of wonderful assortments and gadgets, like 'gold' chains with little red hearts on it, for a whole R7,50. the bonus was that it came with matching earrings too. so now i have so many cheap, fake imitation gold necklaces; more than my little heart could desire. and they are 'antiques' according to the little old man behind the counter; me thinks that means they have simply been around on his shelf for over 10 years. i also dont think he had never seen such excited girls wanting so much stuff; he looked stunned and bewildered. it was a morning to remember.

so now i can glitter and sparkle my way through life, with a complete collection of trash to place around my neck. im such a lucky girl.

tales

after much preparation and anticipation, many text messages to spread the word, confirm the word, and a just to double check the word, the plan was set. we were all off to watch the anual shakepeare at varsity. my dear friend is in the play, and so seeing it was more in support of her, and her hard work and didecation, not just to see the show. so i came home early from my meetings, in fact i skipped one so that i could have enough time to prepare everything for a great evening. there was shopping to be done, snacks to be made, and so on. finally we pull into the parking lot, find a perfect parking space, and as we are parking it decided to pour down with rain. now word to the uninformed, the shakespeare is held, every year, in the open space theatre at varsity. and unfortunately, the open air with a torrential downpour just aint fun. after sitting in the car for 15 minutes, along with several phone calls and debates, we called it a day and left for home picnics instead. and considering the spread we had, and the good company in an environment in which we could properly communicate, i think everything turned out pretty well. despite not seeing the play. looks like it may have to be a repeat performance this evening, just cross fingers that it doesnt rain. either that or ive already convinced the man to take me out on the town and spoil me to dinner this evening; he seems very willing to assist in this quest, which is a definite plus in his favour.

the work load is increasing, but the thoughts of quitting are running through my mind so convincingly now, that i actually don't mind work so much now; i know the end is nearer than expected, and so things are looking on the up and up. this is assisted by the joyous thoughts of going away soon, which again leaves me grinning. lying to my boss and cleanly not turning up for our meeting yesterday afternoon, makes me grin the most, so perhaps today will be a good day after all.

life.

it seems that this alien thing called life is getting the better of me. i cant seem to manage it all at the same time, and to be honest, what is so pathetic is that there isn't that much all to manage. just it seems that lately my brain is operating on a completely different wave length to everyone else, and especially to me. not sure what wiring or circuitry got fiddled with, or there may be some faulty connections somewhere, but things aren't computing in ways i expect them to, and i certainly aren't responding in manners and ways i have grown used to. im sounding critic without meaning to, but i think the main problem with this entire ridiculous situation i sometimes refer to as my life, is that i don't know anymore. anything, anymore. like im floating past, not attracted or halted by anything. its a strange situation to be in. and i cant seem able to get out of it. im sounding ridiculous. just permanently tired these days.

current update; so much for all the hype and excitement of a few posts ago, when i couldn't mention something due to jinxing it. well i think somehow we jinxed it none the less as the whole plan has fallen through. god im being critic again; friends were moving out of their incredibly beautiful, large and cheap apartment and were in need of two people to fill their rooms; perfect for friend and i desperate for flat to move in. within the next month. it was too exciting. however it all fell through as their future flat worked out to be far too expensive for their allowances, and so they're staying put. its nothing terrible, and there are so many other flats and moving options; it just seemed so destined to work out, so perfectly arranged without any of us doing anything, all that and its the most beautiful flat I've seen. sigh. not only were we going to move in to said amazing flat, but i was going to quit my shit job, and work at a no-brainer job for cash, and spend full time working on my thesis again. so things were looking up; it was exciting times ahead. and now that its fallen through, its not like this was the only way i could do it, and now there is no hope etc, morbid thoughts and all, just that it was a good plan. a perfect plan, one that perfectly arranged itself in about 30 minutes while over really good cocktails. perhaps it was doomed to fail?! so now said friend and i are still on the lookout, i just have to stop comparing everything i see to the most beautiful flat in the world, and we'll find something i hope. then there's the job issue still, but hell, that's a whole other story that would bore you to tears (it does for me regularly), but yes the days are numbered, and the thesis is waiting; right now im actually getting so excited to be a full time thesis student again, crazy as i thought i would never want it again.

so many options and paths, how do you ever know which is the right one to follow? people say follow your heart, go with what you feel, but what if yours doesn't function well and is empty? tricky, very tricky.

its done.

its finished, its over. the bitch has been completed, and is about to be transported to its final destination. and my boss actually sent me an sms last night to say congratulations. what a joke; but hell, at least he recognized how much effort i put into the thing. in an email this morning he said that i deserve some days off due to this miracle transformation of the report, to which i laughed. i have so many meetings set up this week, i barely have time to carry on with other work, let alone take some time off! ridiculousness i tell you. but hell at least its over. it feels like ive lost a small part of myself in the process, but hell, a small price to pay i try to placate and convince myself.

i think i agree totally with jon, who loving looked at me the other day, and said he liked me so much more when i wasn't a full time worker. think its time to change; jobs, not man. ha.

god.

so there's one section that needs completing, and then the report, now known as 'the bitch' will be completed. that of course is without any editing being done, and i will be left waiting for my delightful boss to email me with comments and feedback; ie. he'll have fun telling me where i fucked up again. i cant believe i am actually still a functioning human being; i also began to feel that i wasn't as was very close to totally losing the plot on friday. working on this little sleep, and solely on adrenaline, cant be good in long sustained periods, so i think i'm beginning to understand why i was completely off my cracker at the start of the weekend. its ending better however; as said, the bitch is nearly complete, and is champing on the bit to be emailed off and forgotten about. and with a stroke of amazing luck, my life suddenly is looking pretty good and there are amazing possibilities that will make me such a happy meg if they come true. im holding thumbs, but there is still much time to wait and see whether it all works out. i know im being vague and cryptic, but i fear, if i tell you too soon dearest internet, then it might be jinxed. but its there, shining brightly in the corner of my mind, keeping me sane and grinning today while i write endless amounts of drivel for a man who probably wont even bother to read it.

how riveting| here's to possible new starts and fresh beginnings|| holds thumbs; you're in for the long haul.

i think

1) that its going to be fun spending my entire weekend working, and stressing about this report that needs to be completed and completely ammended by tomorrow afternoon at 5, just in case my boss wants to add any more comments or provide feedback on these issues. it seems that it was completely wrong, and it was real fun sitting in a meeting this morning (yes on a saturday) while my boss went into details as to whats wrong with it. so now, its back to the drawing board, despite me being so tired that i may just collapse, or have a nervous breakdown; both seem imminent so just just placing bets now on which one will be first.

2) that it seems that im loosing my marbles and falling apart ever so slightly; im not entirely sure whats going on with me, but i seem to be loosing bits of myself. it becomes problematic wheni loose them in a crowd, and cant reach them under someone's table. i need to pull myself together, and am not sure of where to even start. i cant carry on living off resue remedy alone.

problems. think its time to quit the job already. i need to sort this all out. but first the report. joy.

aaaaaaaaah

the report is nearly done, the pressure relaxing; its over 13 megs big, and around 40 pages, and took me all night to get through- however there are two pesky, stupid end sections that are still longing and waiting for my expert touch and guidance to craft them into perfection. i thought i was going to die last night; the report had grown into a thing that was far bigger than i could ever imagine or even comprehend dealing with, especially not when my boss wants to read through it and gauge my performance this morning, oh in around 10 minutes time. despite all my valiant efforts, those last two awful bastards just refused to be part of the party; this means that i still have to continue with the finishing and writing today, working on roughly 4 hours of sleep.

this process has taught me some things, so fear not that i am unaffected or ignorant to the potential moral and social lessons of this experience.
1) procrastination gets you nowhere, but gives you massive stress, heart burn, nausea, headaches and several stress and anxiety attacks. these symptoms are not conducive to productive behaviour and certainly don't help to get the work done in any faster time.
2) that work gets you nowhere too. and that now i am thinking of not renewing my contract when it comes up for review in a month, but rather returning to the safe and wonderfully slow and predictable haven for full time student life, where i can attempt again to complete my thesis. my secret plan is that jon will be making a small fortune by then, and i can act as the dutiful housewife and sponge off my partner for awhile, while he earns the bacon; im sure he'll have no objections and will willing oblige me.

ive always had great ambition to be a housewife|| i'll always be by your side. (great song by cocorosie)

the pressure

is getting to me. i have the most mammoth of all reports due in tomorrow, and i have reached writers block. i dont think it helps that i have six million other things to stress about lately, not just said report, but that it is consuming far too much of my brain power and my synapic firing system that i think they have given up in protest. i really dont know what to write anymore- it happens to me often, whenever ive fucked up so badly and 'forgotten' the deadline, until oh like its TOMORROW. then the pressure gets so bad; the shakes start, the cold in my extremities so i can barely type any more, and the serious sweats. its not a pleasant situation, and not made any better by the fact that around this time i drink far too much coffee and rely on bio plus to get me through the hours. calculating roughly i have about 24 hours to complete said bastard report, but that is if i went without sleeping, eating, leaving the computer and certainly not meeting times for other projects. i think im in the poo- i know i seem to say that often, but this time ive fucked it up a little too seriously. perhaps if i hand in my poo... sure the boss will love me long time then. i was even considering quiting/ trying to get fired/ having a car accident (although was warned that this may cause stress in other areas of life- like parents killing me cause of fucked car) etc you get the point. unfortunately, the gods are on my side- nothing wrong ever seems to happen when i want it to, just so that i could get out of report writing. i mean some well timed lighting striking me round about now would be fantastic, but never happens. i need to learn some new tricks; how about electrocution.. i'm sure sticking my finger into a plug socket should do the trick and not hurt terribly badly?

yesterday

i saw the largest raindow. it was amazing, showing off in the afternoon monkey's wedding, full spectrum of colours on display for all to see. i havent seen such an impressive display in too long a time. it made me grin like a little kid. and yet so few people stopped and noticed; just saw these crazy girls standing and grinning from ear to ear. i miss it already; they should happen more often.

brrrrrr

winter has started far too dramatically for my liking; i havent got enough warmie clothing to sustain this cold intensity i tell you. i think that it has become official today- my extremities are going to give up the fight and simply fall off my body, as i simply dont think that they can get any colder. ive been shivering all morning, wrapped up in my pyjamas, attempting to be able to type while shaking uncontrollably. its not fun any more. i think its time for a warm bath... hmmm... no work, warm bath and movie beds are calling me. must not give in. must be productive. god working life is boring.

jesus

i really need to read through my posts/ writings/rantings before i post them- as my god i can write shit (re: the last post). please dont think im losing/ lost my marbles and am going to throw myself in a lake- as i did a good job of sounding ridiculous and almost suicidal! that i can reassure you, is not the case. in the slightest. i really didnt mean to sound ever so slightly physcopathic. its a sunny day, and im on my way to a picnic; good times. and a perfect way to waste time and not catch up on work; so all is looking good.

too much

the last few days have been insane, and seem to be happening far too quickly, leaving me in the lurch, dragging behind trying to comprehend and compute it all. ups and downs, insanities and over emotion; all leaving me a little breathless and bewildered. there seem to be too many things and stresses and worries going on in my already overcrowded head to full grapple with everything all at the same time. all this and i havent done any proper comprehensive work for the last few days, something that i really should have been doing, but going to the beach and hanging out with new arrivals seemed to be way more fun than the thought of sitting at a computer researching all day. all of this is going to catch up with me tomorrow when i have to face my boss, and fill him in on where i am in the report, and how much i have done so far- an easy, simple answer will suffice; i.e IVE DONE NOTHING!
the days are getting colder lately, it seems like we're skipping autumn this year, and leaping head on into winter. yes in durban it is still a wussy winter when in comparison elsewhere, but im feeling the cold. i seem to be in a permanent state of chilly drowiness, with the temptation of wanting to be a small ball of human warmth in my bed overwhelming.
despite a long sleep last night, im still tired; i think the endless, restless dream that i would be late for my flight to england, and loosing my baggage didnt help, but it seems like i cant move on from the constant tiredness. unfortunately its proving to be just that; constant. life is just seeming a little bigger than me at the moment, leaving me a little lost, and empty. and i dont know how to fix it or remedy it. im not sure where i am. it all feels a little bigger than me.
i know it will all be okay, once routine settles down again, and things return to normal, and ordinary life wins over the newness and sudden changes. just its leaving me feeling a little flat; happy and sad all at the same time. overwhelmed me thinks.

dammit| why is life this ridiculous constant stream of endless confusion| stress| worry| and joy || complicated mix of things

woohoo!

so time finally passed, and he's home. the long awaited reunion finally took place- and im happy to say, that after five months, its as though nothing has changed, just picked up where we left off.
its better than i could have imagined it to be.
that and he bought my other baby home- i finally have in my possession the cutest little nikon D50- digital SLR camera- which im just dying to use. so much of great times and things in one day- im surprised i made it.

belated updates

sad and happy times:

1) farewell: bye ben. thanks for being a great pet, i did love you so. sorry that you were so sore, and that your time was cut short. will miss you.


2) grandmothers 83rd birthday last weekend. i cant even begin to imagine being around for that long, and having that much history stored in my head; i dont really handle well with my own short lived past. the three generations together made me proud.

3) just got home from great weekend away at leisure bay with friendlies; despite crap rainy weather, sore tummies and sicknesses all round, it was a great time. i hate coming back to reality; i.e doctors apointments, discussions about my thesis (with issues like 'due date' going to surface), and work tomorrow. damn, but hell at least there's a massive up side, as...

4) jon is in the same country as me; and returns to familiar dirtbin lands tomorrow in the afternoon. cant wait; craziness!